Ephemera

Pineapple in the Bush and Brussels Sprouts On The, I Don’t Know, Stump: What Food Looks Like In The Wild

By on November 14, 2013 10:30am EST

I’m always sort of like, YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY *shakes cane, clacks teeth* when I meet kids who don’t know that vegetables grow in dirt, or that meat comes from animals. But then my dad texted me a picture of Brussels sprouts growing on the…what even is that. And I realized that  my own knowledge basically runs as far as Things I’ve Seen Artily Depicted In Drawings of Gardens. (So, lettuces and peas.)

So that we don’t embarrass ourselves at a farmer’s market next summer, I made us all a photo primer of Food In Its Natural Habitat.

Brussels sprouts. They’re like tiny palm trees, decked with sprouts for Christmas, and then topped with cabbages. For festivities.

brussels sprouts growingPhoto credit

Pineapples. They grow on a bush. It looks like someone just put them there, like for a joke.

pineapples growing on the bushPhoto credit 

Lentils. They grow in tiny little lentil-sachets. Harvesting them must be like, omg.

lentils growingPhoto credit 

Asparagus. During the harvest season (which is, like, five minutes long) they grow up from the ground like an army of tasty snakes. There’s no PLANT, it’s just…the thing that you eat, standing there in the dirt all like, Hey, where’s my olive oil and salt?

asparagus stalks growing out of the groundPhoto credit

And after the harvest, you leave them alone and they grow up and let their hair down and presumably have lots of crazy asparagus sex to prepare for the next season.

asparagus going to seed

Tuna fish. It comes in cans, like anchovies and sardines. You put it in sandwiches. It’s just like a trout or a salmon or other eating fish, right? WRONG. This is a tuna fish.

tuna fishPhoto credit

This is a tuna fish.

tuna fishPhoto credit

This is a tuna fish.

massive tuna fishPhoto credit

They’re just…they’re so big, is what.

Olives. What are you doing in that tree, looking like grapes with very clear personal boundaries? Become oil, and get in my Every Meal Ever.

olives on the treePhoto credit 

Artichokes. They’re already a super-weird vegetable; if no one explains to you how to eat them then you’re basically effed. But I sort of thought they grew in beds, like cabbage? Not even close. Who looks at this and thinks, That is a food, and not Man, thistle got ass?

artichoke growing on the plantPhoto credit 

 What have I missed? What food scrambled your brain when you figured out where it came from?

 

 

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Raych Krueger

Raych reads books and raises babies, hobbies for which her BAs in Literature and Early Childhood Education come in handy. Follow her on Twitter: @raychraych.

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  • http://www.twitter.com/V3RDICT Jeremiah N

    Hahaha “thistle got ass.” I lol’d.

  • Colleen

    Everything changed when I realized Brussels were like medieval tree weapons. We used to call them “ass cabbage”–now we call them awesome.

  • Anna Nienhuis

    What – I just made brussels sprouts for the first time recently and never even considered how they grew. Mind blown. Also, I love peppercorns – check ‘em out :)

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