HALLOWEEN IS BASICALLY HERE!
(For me, Halloween starts right after Labor Day. Deeply feel that world would be better place if everyone observed my calendar.)
Do you guys remember elementary school Halloween parties where you’d eat peeled grapes that were supposed to be eyeballs and spaghetti that was supposed to be witch’s hair and green jello that actually was cow’s feet?
I thought it would be fun to plan the adult version of that, only instead of fake-scary food we’ll plan a menu that includes ALL THE SCARIEST FOODS IN THE WORLD THAT COULD KILL YOU. Or, at least, VERY MUCH LOOK LIKE THEY COULD KILL YOU.
(Warning: The following foods are nightmare-inducing. Don’t read on if you get nightmares easily, I’m serious, I warned you, I’m off the hook, you can’t call me crying at three in the morning.)
Casu Marzu is sheep’s milk cheese infested “cheese fly larvae” that can jump as high as six inches in the air to attack you while you’re eating the cheese. They eat this in Sardinia, Italy even though it’s illegal there. Why is it illegal? SEE EVERYTHING I JUST WROTE.
So what do you pair with larvae-infested cheese? Why, Baby Mice Wine of course, a health tonic in China and Korea. Apparently this rice wine tastes like gasoline. And dead baby mice, one would imagine.
Oh, hey, this isn’t even the scariest wine we’re having for dinner, THINK ABOUT THAT WHILE WE MOVE ONTO SALAD.
Main course time, main course time. You’re getting served semi-boiled squid, which doesn’t sound so bad, until you learn that sometimes these guys inject their sperm bags into your tongue while you’re eating them. Pregnant squid mouth, pregnant squid mouth, who cares if people eat bugs in Africa, pregnant squid mouth, scariest food ever!
A terrifying main course needs a terrifying wine pairing. How about this cobra wine from China WHERE THE COBRA MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE EVEN IF IT WAS BOTTLED UP MONTHS AGO AND COULD DEFINITELY JUMP OUT OF THE BOTTLE AND BITE YOU.
Time for dessert! Did we have fun with maggot cheese? Well then we are going to have super fun with mango fly larvae cupcakes! It comes with the tweezers and gloves! After you remove the maggot, you get to eat the mango-flavored pus! No I am NOT joking. Yes I am serious about everything right now!
All right, let’s open up the floor. Any scary bites to add to the list?
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