Empty Calories is a weekly rant about food and culinary trends.
Ok, some of you are going to hate me for this, but come the fuck on. Nutella. Really? I don’t know who Nutella boned to become some culinary fetish item, but it must have been some truly nasty business, if ya know what I mean, for it to rise so high.
Let’s look at this for just a second.
1. Nutella is NOT healthy or good for you. It is sugar and chocolate and fat; a liquid candy bar. IDGAF what their commercial says (“With just a touch of cream…”), I’d rather eat a Snickers bar.
2. NUTELLA TASTES EXACTLY LIKE THOSE CRAPPY WAFER COOKIES I HATED WHEN I WAS KID. Does no one else notice this? Or am I taking crazy pills? Nutella is not a particularly good or sophisticated flavor. It tastes just like those cookies, which incidentally, cost, like, $0.01 to produce and yet Nutella is so damn expensive.
3. The whole European thing. Oy. Like, yes, I was in Europe and tried Nutella before it hit big in US markets and it was mediocre then. And it still is. Stop pretending it’s exotic ambrosia sauce or something.
Here’s the thing: it’s not that I have a problem with people eating Nutella. Go ahead. EAT NUTELLA. Do it. Yum. Or whatever. It’s that this shit is so damn overhyped, I get an aneurysm just thinking about it. It’s chocolate spread. Which tastes like shitty wafers. And is made of sugar and not particularly good quality chocolate. No one is walking around being all… EFFIN’ A MAN. EFFIN’ A, THIS MUHFFUGGIN’ PEANUT FUGGIN’ BUTTER. EFFIN’ A.
Have you ever worked with chocolate? Here’s the thing about chocolate… it does not stay a liquid at room temperature. There is some voodoo shit going on in those Nutella jars ’cause that ain’t real. Okay. Either there is a shit ton of cream in that stuff (“With just a touch of cream…”) or there are weird ass things in that spread because I find it hard to believe that natural ingredients made up that room temp liquid sans variation.
So, go! Go spread Nutella on your fuckin’ pancakes or on your baguettes, or on your whatever carbohydrate you spread it on, but just calm down. Realize you are spreading a candy bar on your toast and quit acting like you are eating a delicacy.
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