I’m not having cake at my upcoming summer wedding and it’s all Great Expectations‘ fault. Specifically the passage about famously-ditched-at-the-altar Miss Havisham’s decades-old, never-eaten wedding cake.
“An epergne or centre-piece of some kind was in the middle of this cloth; it was so heavily overhung with cobwebs that its form was quite indistinguishable; and, as I looked along the yellow expanse out of which I remember its seeming to grow, like a black fungus, I saw speckle-legged spiders with blotchy bodies run home to it, and running out from it, as if some circumstance of the greatest public importance had just transpired in the spider community.”
Thank you, Charles Dickens, for eight hundred percent ruining wedding cakes for me. First you ruined liking money with Ebeneezer Scrooge, then you ruined Christmas with ghosts, now this. Go away forever, dude forever and ever.
Lucky for me, I’m planning a wedding in the twenty-first century. I’ve got my twin best friends Pinterest and Bride Blogs on the case. In no time at all, I found like a gazillion alternatives to wedding cake. Below is a list. No matter what your theme, you can find a baller alternative to Havisham cake.
You get everything that’s good about a wedding cake (Tiers! Having something you can freeze and eat on your anniversary! The actual taste of cake!) without having a nasty, half-eaten monstrosity sitting in the corner of the ballroom plotting evilly to eat all your child guests. Well, that’s what half-eaten wedding cakes look like to me.
You know how much fun it is to go to a candy store and fill your plastic bag up with chocolate covered cookie dough bites and gummy sharks?
You can do this AT YOUR WEDDING.
Just get a bunch of plastic/glass containers and candy in your wedding colors. Or vintage candy in sick old-timey wrappers. Or just candy you like. Everyone will think you are so wedding blog cool, dessert can double as gift bags, and the table photographs so prettily. This is a great choice for couples on a budget. Because candy is not expensive! Unlike… the rest of your wedding.
When I was first planning my wedding, there was a hot moment where I thought about having a sunrise ceremony. Then I realized no one I knew would get up at four in the morning to come to my wedding, so I would basically be getting married without bridesmaids, parents, siblings, and a groom. Still, I love the idea of a morning wedding and if your family/wedding party love you more than mine love me, you should pull an awesome and get married in the AM. And have donuts for dessert!
Okay, one more and then I’m done. Waffles. WAFFLES. Just have waffles be the theme for your wedding. Everyone will like you forever. You can have breakfast foods even if you’re having a night wedding just like you can have breakfast even if it’s 3 PM or midnight because breakfast ALWAYS TASTES LIKE THE BEST.
Why go to all the trouble of having your wedding in a barn and wearing cowboy boots under your wedding gown and making all your guests drink out of Mason jars if you’re just going to get schmancy at the last minute with a wedding cake. If you’re going to go down home, then girl, you stay down home! With a table full of pies, natch and natch!
Just want…. this table… in my stomach.
This is what Groom and I are doing for our wedding. It’s July in LA so it’s going to be gates-of-Hell hot. It’s cute and we both like to think we’re cute. I have no life-scarring literary associations with ice cream. Done and done!
Anybody eat a bad-ass non-traditional dessert at someone else’s wedding? Or serve something awesomely left of center at your own? Sound off in the comments, dudes.
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