I am almost always feeling a little snacky, but not always sure what I’m snacky for. Am I in the mood for a salt? A crunch? A drink? Do I really want a Toblerone, or do I just want it because I know it’s in the pantry?
To ease my weary mind (thinking causes wrinkles), I’ve devised a helpful survey to help me (and you) figure out what’s for eats.
How are we feeling?:
Are we feeling virtuous and strong-willed and temporarily ascetic? Is it January 1st – 8th? Then we should probably reach for something with a high water content, like celery or cucumber or actual water. Ugh, I know, but New Year’s Resolutions only come once a year.
Bikini season comes for us all.
Are we feeling virtuous and it’s, like, November, which means we’re also feeling smug? Kale chips, or a tablespoon of flax seeds, or a meager paring of an expensive cheese (after which we can say something about the inverse correlation between the quality of the snack and the amount needed to satiate, or something else snooty).
Are we sad? Lonely? Anxious? Do we need a hug? Do we have chocolate? Chocolate chips that we can dip a spoonful of peanut butter into? Baker’s chocolate that we can melt down with some sugar and spread onto toast? Cocoa powder that we can snort from the tin? Worst comes to worst, we can dip a stick of butter into a bag of sugar, like a Lik-a-maid, but we’ll still be eyeing the shelves looking for a chocolate something.
This hamster knows those feels.
What are we doing?:
Is it sports time? We need a lot of very tiny somethings, both for sharesies and so we can eat them blindly over a long period. We have a lot of sport to get through. Cake is a bad idea, cookies a good one. Chips, obviously. A cheese ball, right? WRONG. It’s a fiddly snack, and our eyes are required elsewhere. We could spread cheese on crackers beforehand, but they have cheese-flavored crackers now. TECHNOLOGY WILL PREP YOUR SNACKS FOR YOU.
Did we just work out? Good for us. All the bacon and eggs we have. We need protein to build up those muscles, and other proteins to back up that first protein in case of protein failure.
Are we doing something creative, like writing or arting or cooking? Wine opens the doors of perception legally and with very little chance of hallucination.
You start seeing pink elephants, maybe you dial it back.
Is there a Krispy Kreme in the house?:
Why are you even…go eat that.
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