Empty Calories: Anthony Bourdain Is A Mega F*cking Sell Out

Rebecca Schinsky, Brett Sandusky, and Reese Marino team up to rant about a fallen hero in this week’s Empty Calories.

Oh, to have this Tony back!

RJS: Just writing this headline makes me want to cry, you guys. I have loved Tony Bourdain for a really, really long time. The caustic voice! The wit! The emphasis on experiencing cultures rather than poking fun at foreign cuisine! And the great writing! Oh, the great writing. But we all watched The Taste, and it’s clear that things are not as they once were. I don’t begrudge anyone the opportunity to get rich and famous, but he’s so fucking far now from the things that made him unique and led to being rich and famous. It sucks. And since when did he start apologizing for anything? I’mma just go cry into a plate of pork belly now.

BGS: So, Bourdain was in Cosmo. Like… front cover of COSMO. Was his feature attached to the sex quiz? “25 ways to get your man with things you already have in your fridge!” or was it “15 simple tips on how to use vegetables as sex toys.”

Like, COSMO. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Anthony, what are you thinking? First The Taste, now this. I mean, can it get any worse? Can it literally get any worse? You were the anti-everything dude. You smoked 50 packs a day and slugged ‘em back on television… the whole time we just watched, and laughed, and admired the fuck out of you. You were it, dude. You were Batman. And we all wanted to be fucking Batman.

And you railed against your current self in your books. The disdain for everything lowbrow; you were the anti-demagogue. And now this? The ultimate nth degree expression of the fuckhole that is reality TV, with the same fucking model played out over and over again to the same abysmal results. Like, really? Did you think The Taste was going to be different? ‘Cause The Voice was a fucking shit show.

You know what… make your money. Fine. Support your badass wife and daughter. Fine. But, don’t play the anti-hero anymore. Enough with the disdain, because you’re the Colonel now. Buckets of cash all around.

RM: So I totally forgot about that Cosmo article. As horrifying as it is for me to see Tony give an interview to COSMO, his defense of “The Taste” in fucking ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY was totally heartbreaking. I mean, REALLY?!

Look, I have nothing against the guy for wanting to try something new. Hell, it’s part of why I was drawn to No Reservations in the first place. Here he was going all over the world trying new things, telling us when it did, in fact, SUCK. More often than not though, he made curiosity devastatingly cool. While one could argue that there’s nothing wrong with trying something new…I totally expected him to level with us at some point. Something like, “Well it was kind of fun, but what a fucking mess.” WHERE HAS THE BRUTALLY HONEST TONY GONE, MAN?!

You know where he is? Either kidnapped or dead because instead, he went to EW, and defended “The Taste.” So much WTFery, guys. SO MUCH. *facepalm*

Still, it’s Tony. Not unlike Rebecca, I will follow that man to the ends of the Earth. I’m hoping that his new series for CNN, Parts Unknown, will go a long way to make me forget about this whole thing.