Empty Calories is a weekly rant about food trends.
GAHHHHH! The insanity! THE INSANITY! surrounding Girl Scout Cookie sales season. It’s like putting bacon in every. fucking. thing. but with cookies and girls wearing sashes and embroidered badges, except without those last few things because who really knows any girl scouts any more anyway?
The insanity must stop. Now. Just stop it.
Girl Scout Cookies are like walking into a restaurant that says Chipotle but serves Taco Bell food. And, don’t even get me started on those train wrecks of culinary shittasticness. (hashtag neologism)
First of all, these cookies are objectively not good. They are a half-percent better as cookies than, perhaps, Chips Ahoy, which flat out taste like eating a science experiment from a big pharm factory. You can literally taste the chemicals in Chips Ahoy over the cookie flavor. That ain’t right.
Then, there’s the fact that you can literally make something that tastes exactly like a Thin Mint by dipping a Ritz Cracker in melted chocolate chips with a few drops of peppermint oil. Man, that ain’t right. Why would anyone want a cookie that tastes like a Ritz Cracker plucked from a chocolate fountain? The epitome of the opposite of good eating.
Then, there’s the fact that they don’t source their cocoa in an ethical manner. As in, buying Girl Scout cookies directly supports child labor and non-fair trade practices. That certainly ain’t right. Little boys and girls forced to work to harvest and process chocolate so we in the 1st World can have a fucking cookie fix? Trite as hell.
Then, the fact that the bureaucratic machine of the Girl Scouts of America eats most of the profit of sales of these cookies with little at all going to individual troops. Also, check out the date on that article, shit’s been going on like this since the early 90s. Wait, what?! You guessed it: AIN’T FUCKING RIGHT.
Fuckin’ fuck. Is a shitty cookie really worth all that? Make a donation to your local Girl Scout Troop if you actually want to help. And go buy yourself a better cookies. They’re not hard to find. I mean, almost every other cookie is better. And it’ll make you a better person.