EphemeraHumor

Empty Calories: Girl Scout Cookies

By on March 1, 2013 10:15am EST

Empty Calories is a weekly rant about food trends.

GAHHHHH! The insanity! THE INSANITY! surrounding Girl Scout Cookie sales season. It’s like putting bacon in every. fucking. thing. but with cookies and girls wearing sashes and embroidered badges, except without those last few things because who really knows any girl scouts any more anyway?

The insanity must stop. Now. Just stop it.

Girl Scout Cookies are like walking into a restaurant that says Chipotle but serves Taco Bell food. And, don’t even get me started on those train wrecks of culinary shittasticness. (hashtag neologism)

First of all, these cookies are objectively not good. They are a half-percent better as cookies than, perhaps, Chips Ahoy, which flat out taste like eating a science experiment from a big pharm factory. You can literally taste the chemicals in Chips Ahoy over the cookie flavor. That ain’t right.

Then, there’s the fact that you can literally make something that tastes exactly like a Thin Mint by dipping a Ritz Cracker in melted chocolate chips with a few drops of peppermint oil. Man, that ain’t right. Why would anyone want a cookie that tastes like a Ritz Cracker plucked from a chocolate fountain? The epitome of the opposite of good eating.

Then, there’s the fact that they don’t source their cocoa in an ethical manner. As in, buying Girl Scout cookies directly supports child labor and non-fair trade practices. That certainly ain’t right. Little boys and girls forced to work to harvest and process chocolate so we in the 1st World can have a fucking cookie fix? Trite as hell.

Then, the fact that the bureaucratic machine of the Girl Scouts of America eats most of the profit of sales of these cookies with little at all going to individual troops. Also, check out the date on that article, shit’s been going on like this since the early 90s. Wait, what?! You guessed it: AIN’T FUCKING RIGHT.

Fuckin’ fuck. Is a shitty cookie really worth all that? Make a donation to your local Girl Scout Troop if you actually want to help. And go buy yourself a better cookies. They’re not hard to find. I mean, almost every other cookie is better. And it’ll make you a better person.

Brett Sandusky

Brett Sandusky is the co-founder of Stuyvesant Supper Club, a clandestine restaurant, in Brooklyn where molecular nouveau American meets traditional French cuisine. He is also a publisher, a knitter, and a French literature scholar. Brett is interested in the cultural impact of food on our lives, food equity, the locavore movement, and making everything from scratch. Follow Brett on Twitter: @bsandusky

Related

  • http://twitter.com/odroku Randall Hauk

    Dang…who sneezed on your Samoa this morning?

  • http://twitter.com/MissBookishGirl Reese Marino

    You’ve made me question my entire life as I know it. I don’t know whether I should be mad at the Girl Scouts for making terrible cookies for my Thin Mints, mad at you for pointing out that the cookies were actually as good as “Ritz crackers”, or mad at myself for not noticing that before. Well played, sir. *sigh*

  • http://twitter.com/thedaily_yum The Daily Yum

    Sadly I learned that Girl Guides (the Canadian Girl Scouts) were a scam when I was 9 as my scout leader stole the cookie money and took off.

  • http://twitter.com/RebeccaSchinsky Rebecca Schinsky

    Brett, I’m normally on board for all the bees in all your bonnets, but dude. Do not touch my Peanut Butter Patties (or whatever the hell they’re calling them now).