Empty Calories is a weekly rant about food trends.
Introducing… The MEAT STOMPER
I’ve recently become interested in charcuterie and sausage making, mostly because I live in Brooklyn, and I enjoy being a stereotype. And because curing meat is the key to understanding the universe.
Before last week, I had the unfortunate experience of owning a really cheap meat grinder that made my life unduly harder than it needed to be. Thankfully, my ever helpful mother offered to buy me a nice hand crank meat grinder as a gift. That’s love.
So, arrives the meat grinder. Pretty great. Also, arrives, THIS:
Double You. Tee. Eff is THIS?
This is some kind of banana candle meets plastic BDSM situation. I mean, the MEAT STOMPER looks like something one could pick up at a sex shop. And they wouldn’t even have to change the name. Better get a safe word for using this thing.
In fact, I actually suspect that the MEAT STOMPER is sold as such for people who are embarrassed to buy the real deal. Right?
I mean, did the makers of the MEAT STOMPER really think this was the best they could do in terms of product design? Hey, I gots an idea…let’s make this thing looks likes a giant phalluses, so that peoples using its feels likes they’re giving the meats a handies. Ah cha cha.
Did I mention that my mother sent my father in to buy the MEAT STOMPER? (Something she also did once when she sent me a copy of Playboy… but that’s a different story.) And that it was purchased at a sporting goods store in the hunting section. Hunters must be some crazy mofos, you know?
And, who named this thing the MEAT STOMPER anyway? I guess Meat Pusher was already taken…