EphemeraHumor

Empty Calories: “Artisanal” Tomatoes

By on January 25, 2013 10:15am EST

Empty Calories is a weekly rant about food trends.

"Artisanal" tomatoes, WTF???

“Artisanal” tomatoes, WTF???

Someone please tell me WTF an artisanal tomato is. Ok, yeah, so, like, Mother Nature is a total artisan. I get it but, tomatoes. Grape tomatoes. Not heirlooms. Not organic, non-GMO, local, picked from the farm with a specially hand spliced tomato plant that brings out the intese flavors of grape tomatoes with the perfect plump texture of the cherries. No. Grape tomatoes in a plastic box.

A PLASTIC BOX. A probably will not be recycled, going to pollute up the oceans, plastic box. With little perfect SCARLET PERLES of artisanal tomatoes. Directly from the ground to the processing plant to the store to you!

Also, what exactly constitutes this “series?” Are there other artisanal vegetables? Do other perles grow under the red sun of Mars so they can be packaged up and shipped to me on a slow boat and sold as artisanal? Do they know what this word even means? I bet I just paid a premium for this shit.

I bet they charged me extra to pay the translator for the “Tomates Raisins” in French on the plastic box.

Brett Sandusky

Brett Sandusky is the co-founder of Stuyvesant Supper Club, a clandestine restaurant, in Brooklyn where molecular nouveau American meets traditional French cuisine. He is also a publisher, a knitter, and a French literature scholar. Brett is interested in the cultural impact of food on our lives, food equity, the locavore movement, and making everything from scratch. Follow Brett on Twitter: @bsandusky

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  • http://twitter.com/V3RDICT Jeremiah

    Ha!

  • Cap’n Oblivious

    If you think that’s outrageous, check out “artisan water”: http://www.crysalli.com/